About to break.

The words just don't come out anymore.

I am speechless after this incident. How is it that after all I have accomplished I ended up like this?

The fields were greener, the sky was clear and the clouds were made of different colors. Now ... my clouds look in a simple white ... there seems to be no more yellow, grey or blue in my clouds.

I want it back ... I want my world back.

There was a time when I wouldn't have cared ... but now I do, they taught me to care about others and their feelings. And now I suffer with them and because of them.

I still feel like I want to say something, something very important, but the words just won't come out. Seems my brain does not know any words for what I am feeling. It does not matter what words I speak ... seems like you don't understand me nor the fact that this feelings are not regular for me.

I maybe seem like I get along with everyone, it's a lie ... I usually don't care. All of it is a very well practice of a mask I learned years ago.

Something was taken from me, a big piece in my brain was taken a long time ago.  Sanity? Yes, perhaps that is it.

Every now and them I feel the necessity to yell and run away, as part of my ... condition if you will call it like that. I wished I was able to control it ... I wished I could do more than just wait until the feeling passed away.
But I learned to live with what I have.

So much for this ... words still don't come out.




Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 12, 2013 at 3:26 AM

    Me, was like, "How i ended up like this? Oh, right, the booze!".

    gee... feeling a little PMS, are we?, Maybe fixing up a sammich would help. (y'know, cuz girls should be in da kitchen!!)

    Nah, I'm just fucking wit'cha, i'm not a sexist (all the time) -haha, :)- Ok, enough with the bad jokes. Hope you have some sense of humor.

    Alright, look, despite the tittle, seems to me that you got the hang of it. But just to be sure, mark my words. YOU'RE FUCKING FINE!!

    Don't dwell on the bad shit, that just makes it downright worst, trust me on this, alright? Life is bad enough as it is.

    And, if i get the "mask" thing right, looks like you´re not being authentic with the people around you, if that´s so, how do you expect for poeple to ever get to know/comprehend you?
    Girl, don't be afraid to be upfront with your feelings, cuz yeah, a lot of times you may end up hurt by people who you really love/like, but in the long run it's the only way to know who's really got your back.

    Look, i know i threw a lot of Do's and Don't's at cha, i apologize. i didn't mean to come out as a patronizing prick.


    Yours sincerely- Your friendly neighbour( ha ha, never gets old)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yvaine ScarlettApril 12, 2013 at 1:14 PM

      JAJAJAJA yeah the sammich (peanut butter YAY) helped ;P

      Yeah I was really stressed and blue, (very bad combo) and I started typing away.

      Yeah you are totally right, life is bad enough to not see the bright side.

      And no I didn't thought you were a prick at any point. :D

      It's always good to get a different point of view, that way I can see where I'm fucking it up.

      Hope you are doing fine as well.

      Yvaine.

      Delete

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